Saying It Like It Is!
by TurtleJesus
Summary: What would happen if Percy was able to say what he wanted when he wanted with no repercussions? Basically him insulting everyone and everything. Bashing on nearly all characters and places. OOC Percy, set at the end of Last Olympian. No One is safe. Minor use of swearing. Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson.
1. The Wish

_**A.N: **__**Hey Guys, TurtleJesus here reporting for duty. So this little story here which will probably have around 15 1K chapters will pretty much be a bashfest on anyone important in the PJ series. Percy is gonna speak his opinions on everyone and no one will like it. He will be saying what most of us have thought about certain characters at one stage or another so read and review with what you would like to see next.**_

_**Chapter Uno: WTF?**_

"Perseus Jackson, Son of Poseidon and Saviour of Olympus step forward" Zeus thundered, his voice echoing around the packed throne room. It was just hours after the defeat of Kronos, Titan of Time and evil dude of evilness, and people of all sorts were in the throne room watching the reward ceremony. Everyone looked around eagerly to see if they could catch a glimpse of the main hero, the one who ended the war. After 5 seconds of anxious shifting and anticipating silence with no one stepping forward Zeus called out impatiently once more with a scowl of anger marring his face. Finally a 16 year old boy with black windswept hair and mischievous sea green eyes stepped forward taking one last bite of the apple in his hands before throwing it behind his shoulder.

"sowy bat dat, deded fid" Said Percy whilst munching on the food in his mouth looking unconcerned about the look of disgust Artemis, maiden Goddess of the hunt and all round man-hating bitch.

"We didn't quite get that can you please say it again" Asked Poseidon, Percy's dad, whilst looking at him weirdly.

"Ah, I said Sorry about that but I needed some food" Replied Percy after swallowing.

"Enough," Yelled Zeus, "Perseus Jackson for your outstanding courage and bravery within the war with the unparalleled amount of help you have given us we have agreed to give you a wish of your choice".

"Really, anything?" Percy questioned looking hopefully up at the gods, paying them his full attention for the first time.

"Yes anything, including godhood if you wish" Grumbled Zeus looking extremely unhappy about it. In fact looking around about half the gods seemed unhappy. Percy stood there looking thoughtful for a moment but if you knew him well you could tell he already had his mind made up and was just being dramatic.

"Can you please swear on the River Styx to grant me my wish?" Percy asked staring around the Gods.

"YOU DARE _BOY_ TO QUESTION US" Roared Artemis actually standing up with spittle flying out her mouth, the word boy being spat like it was the worst insult in the world. Percy looked at the other Gods and Goddess and all of them looked annoyed, their expressions ranging from small frowns to Artemis' outburst.

Percy shrugged like he didn't notice that he had just pissed off some of the most powerful beings in the universe, "I got told to always get a solemn oath".

Hades who was sitting in the back, shadows cast over his face leaned forward and whispered "Guilty as charged", not looking apologetic at all. It was then Percy noticed that Athena was looking at Percy intrigued. After a few moments of silence with nothing but the shifting of people in the crowd's clothes shifting, Athena spoke, "I say we swear the oath but make sure we add reasonable in front of wish." Zeus looked furious for a moment before getting his emotions back under control.

"We swear on the river Styx to grant Perseus Jackson his reasonable wish so long as it is under our power to do so" boomed Zeus before looking at Percy expectantly. Percy smirked at him before looking around at all the gods, Major and Minor, the demi-gods, the Cyclopes and the nature spirits. Everyone stood there holding their breath expecting him to make a selfless wish that would help them all but what he said just stunned them.

"I wish to state my opinion on anyone and anything with no repercussion so long as I do not harm them physically." Stated Percy looking around at the completely baffled crowd.

"Perseus you could have anything you want and this is what you ask for, why?" Questioned Hera, to confused to even muster up enough hatred to do her normal glare. Percy looked thoughtful for a minute before replying, "Well, as you know I have ADHD which means I get completely random thoughts but I can't say them because of what the consequences might be, also there is some stuff that needs to be said like it is but no one wants to hear it and would most likely kill the person who says it".

"Ok we grant you your wish" Said Zeus looking happy that he didn't have to put up with Percy for eternity.

"Ah yeah one more thing, every Saturday night I'm going to set up and tell my opinion about something so I would be grateful if you could broadcast it on Hephaestus TV" Said Percy looking pleadingly at them. Zeus muttered something under his breath involving several curse words before saying deal.

"Woohoo" Cheered Percy loudly running out the room whilst giving whoops of excitement.

"I'm not too sure about this brothers" stated Hades whilst watching the retreating figure, both Zeus and Poseidon nodded the agreement. Later they would learn that giving Percy that wish was probably one of the worst decisions the council had ever made.

_**A.N: **__**So there it is the first chapter of Saying It Like It Is! So as you found out by reading the chapter Percy can say what he wants when he wants without getting in trouble, with it even being broadcast to the whole mythological world. I'm thinking of doing it in order of when they appear in the books, so Percy will be bashing Grover first with Annabeth second and Camp half-blood third and so on and so forth. **_

_**Please read and review, especially if you have any ideas on what to say about certain character.**_

_**TurtleJesus.**_


	2. Half-man Half-Donkey

_**A.N: **__**OK, so I got a couple reviews all positive and a couple follows so I decided to update again today mainly so people get a better idea of what's happening in this story and so Americans are actually awake when I post since they're pretty much the main group of fanfictioners. First Chapter is based on Grover. **_

_**Thankyou to Shadow-Digital for being the first to favorite this so this chapter is dedicated to you, hope you like it.**_

_**Also thanks to the others who reviewed and/or followed this.**_

_****__**Read and Enjoy!**_

_**Chapter 2: "Half-human half-donkey"**_

"Percy, why are you doing this?" Annabeth Chase demanded of Percy looking at him expectantly but to no avail as he just kept glancing around the amphitheater. Today was the big day, tonight would be Percy's first show which was called, 'Saying It Like It Is!', surprisingly Zeus had agreed to put it on Hephaestus TV and as a live show at that.

"Oi, Tyson move the camera a bit more left" Yelled out Percy across to his younger Cyclops brother Tyson, Tyson hastened to obey. The area was filled with Cyclops and demi-gods all whom had eagerly agreed to help set up the show as most were excited that a show would be filmed in their camp.

"Percy, Percy, PERCY!" Annabeth shouted trying to get his attention so she could ask her questions.

"Huh, hey Annabeth, didn't see you there was there something you wanted?" Percy questioned, giving her a quizzical glance before shouting out once more to a Demigod who was hanging up some flags. Annabeth gave a frustrated sigh looking like she would love nothing more than to hit Percy at the moment.

"Percy, why have you decided to do this? Why did you use your gift as this? Who are you going to talk about first tonight?" Annabeth asked rapidly. Percy stared at her strangely for a second before laughing loudly attracting everyone's attention.

"Wow, can tell you're a daughter of Athena" He replied before quickly continuing at her angry look and opening mouth, "In order, I thought it would be fun, Why not and wait and find out. Now if that's all can you please either help or go get me a sandwich, I'm starving. "

Annabeth stomped her foot angrily before walking off muttering under her breath.

"And can it have bacon in it if they have it" Percy called out to her, seeing no acknowledgement he turned to a random demigod, "Do you think she heard that?" he asked. The demigod shrugged before hurrying off.

By dinner the decorations were done, Posters were up of Percy in a very heroic pose standing above a defeated Kronos, Cameras were everywhere, on a stage up the front were two chairs, one large sea green with gold trim and the other being a slighter smaller brown chair and behind the chairs was a giant whiteboard, what for? No one knew.

"Perfect" Said Percy, satisfied with how it looked, "Now where is my Gods damn bacon sandwich".

Later that night Demigods, nature spirits, a few of the nicer monsters and even Gods filed in taking seats in the stands. Percy looked over and saw Hermes wink at him and Percy smirked back. The two had made a deal where Hermes helped Percy get some images and in return Percy wouldn't say anything bad about him.

Once everyone had sat down Percy walked up on stage instantly silencing everybody. He was wearing a gold suit with sea green trim and tie.

"Hello everybody, my name is Perseus Jackson and this is the first ever episode of 'Saying It Like It is', now every episode I will talk about a different person or thing, I will be pointing out every flaw and every bad thing they've done." Percy announced looking around the crowd. Many couldn't meet his gaze and looked away nervously.

"Ok so if I call out your name I want you to come out on stage and sit opposite me, now first up is someone well known, has recently had a promotion and is known mostly by his nervous eating habits, everybody welcome Grover Underwood" Percy yelled out, many sighed in relief whilst Grover gulped and looked like he was one step away from passing out.

As Grover trotted up onto the stage Percy once again turned to the crowd, "For mine, Grover's and your personal safety a barrier will be erected around the stage so no one can get in and no sound can get in but you will still be able to hear me."

"Ok then let's start with the basics you are Grover Underwood, age 33, satyr, Lord of the wild and eater of fine upholstery, Is that right?" Percy asked looking over at Grover who nervously nodded, "Now for the good stuff, the first demigods you found were Thalia Grace, Luke Castellan and Annabeth Chase." Percy stopped for a second thoughtfully, "Huh, Chase and Grace kinda rhyme, I guess Luke was the odd one out even then."

"Anyway, you became good friends with them but unfortunately Thalia was turned into a tree" at this stage a picture of Thalia's tree appeared on the whiteboard and slowly Grover's face became slightly pale over the course of the conversation so far. "You blamed yourself and have had no self-confidence since but yet you still got a hot girlfriend, how the hell did you do it?" Percy asked looking at Grover who let out a nervous bleat. A picture of Grover's girlfriend replaced Thalia's tree.

"Nevermind, continuing on you found me and contacted Chiron, after I was attacked by a fury you tried to lie to me and for Gods sake learn how to lie. Your lying is like Justin Biebers singing, almost too terrible to even think about." A few people in the crowd looked like they were chuckling whilst Grover had an offended look planted on his face. "Now here is one of your most disappointing moments, when a Fucking Minotaur attacks me you pass out and nearly get us killed by you mumbling food." Here a picture of Percy and Sally Jackson dragging Grover up a hill with the Minotaur running at them replaced Grover's girlfriend..

"Ok, Good things, you agreed to go on a quest with me and then when we were attacked by Medusa you distracted her but before that you made some stupid actions. I mean attacking a fury with a tin can, grabbing a fire whip and not expecting it to burn and WORST of all you ate our fucking apple hacky sack. Do you know how devastated I was?" Percy demanded of Grover who had started to eat the cushion on his seat, Images of everything Percy was saying appeared on the whiteboard "Now my cushion? Why have you forsaken me?" Percy yelled to the sky.

"On our second quest you created an empathy link with me that could've killed me and is permanent but other than that you didn't really do anything else that year, now third quest was a funny one, you really outdone yourself"

"First you act like a lovesick stalker puppy who's the Hunters of Artemis Bitch" here a picture of Grover tripping over whilst talking to the hunters appeared. "You went so far to even sleep just outside Artemis' cabin" Seeing Grover's panicked look and Artemis' anger Percy continued, "Whoops didn't mean to say that but anyway you even found out what Zoe Nightshade dreamt you sly old dog, but then you do something really damaging for our friendship. You volunteered for a quest knowing full well that there wasn't space for me and you but you were too busy acting like a slave to MAN-HATERS."

"Then on the quest you sided with them more than me, convinced me to ride an abomination to the world, a giant squealing pig and the only good thing you done was get poor Bessie to safety. Fourth quest you spent more time trying to avoid Tyson then you did help. Honestly I don't remember much if anything you did during this quest until we found Pan, Congrats by the way on achieving your lifelong dream."

"Now for the past year you tried to rally the nature spirits but when they tried to fight you were overran by squirrels. That's just embarrassing, almost as bad as getting money from a pink male poodle with small man syndrome. Seriously I nearly had a heart attack when I found out that thing was alive let alone male. I understand why it tried to run away. Anyway back on topic, and then you sleep for months. Dude, there is a time and place to sleep. This was not it. Then at the final battle you managed to help imprison Hyperion in a tree, pretty kickass but that was ruined when you fainted like a little pansy after getting your reward. That is all for tonight's show people so good night and good luck and for Gods sake Grover stop eating my shit" Finished off Percy whilst a picture of Grover appeared on the whiteboard. Amongst the laughter and Grover's angry spluttering Percy heard some comments about how disgusting his show was. He shrugged, Haters gonna hate, now where was Annabeth with his bacon sandwich.

_**A.N: **__**So loyal subjects how did you like the first show? I found Grover hard to do as there wasn't much on him, I have ideas and plans for Zeus, Annabeth, Poseidon, Hestia, Athena and Artemis so far but the rest I'm still unsure about. **_

_**Also if you want to be my beta please PM me, I find myself in need of one.**_

_**Please review with any criticism or ideas you have, at the moment I'm not sure whether to do Annabeth or Camp Half-blood as a whole next. Now all this talk about bacon sandwiches has me hungry so good day mates.**_

_**TurtleJesus**_


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